I am coming face to face with my inner self once again. I don’t know about you, but in me there is a voice that speaks deep inside that is never harsh nor loud but decidedly persistent and even in the tempestuous noise of my everyday life the voice never ceases. I sometimes allow my world to drown it out but it seems to quietly await another opportune time and simply repeats itself again and again until I begin to pay attention.
I once heard an expression, “the inarticulate speech of the heart” and for me, this is what it is.
It’s also very much like the voice of a strong, yet soft spoken, internal shepherd who stands significantly higher than my short little legs carry me and who can easily see what the far off terrain out there holds. But for me all I can see is a very small parochial few feet in front of my nose (which is often frustratingly attached and very close to the rear end of the smelly, unwashed sheep just in front of me).
Circumstance in the form of people and related monies lost and now owed is presenting a somewhat vulgar scenario to me at present and the old fighter in me wants to leap over the ropes in one smooth action, bound over to the opposite corner and pound the living crap out of the blind, ignorant upstart who is daring to spit out threats and aggro statements way above his own intelligence level or ability to substantiate. Yet even as the blood gushes through and pumps up the veins in my neck I seem to hear that voice again. It is 4 a.m. and I am up and wide awake and this time it seems to be saying, “that’s you you can see in that person … can you see yourself?”
I am painted into a corner and instead of wet paint all around I see mirrors, many mirrors all reflecting so many unsightly and embarrassing angles on my life. Angles quite frankly that I would rather not see.
The misty shepherds voice inside tells me that in compassion extended I will find my own peace. And amazingly, this time I am able to hear.
Often I do not. In fact, it can take years.
Perhaps it’s because we live in a fast food type of immediate gratification, data overload world? I don’t really know, but this for me is usually a somewhat unscientific process of conclusion but a deep seated one that speaks in a language still to be better understood inside of us. Our modern mindset will not easily settle for any data other than that which is immediately seen, clearly measurable, even alpha-numerically coded and instantly logical and clear. Our shelves are filled with easy answer, quick steps books that promise instant results immediately and the reasons for everything are laid out as logical, clear and easily accessible.
We may as well drink ant poison.
The ancient writings say “deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls…. ” What I have gradually come to realise for myself is that the roar of the waterfall is never initially very clear nor articulate, but it speaks nonetheless. It sort of wears away at the hard rock of our resistance and silently but surely cuts through its own path, slowly changing the sound and shape of the rock over time and patient observation. For those who really desire enlightenment and are prepared to wait for it patiently and to retrace the ancient paths it will become more and more clear. As unscientific as it really seems to be in appearance, over time and careful attention it too can build up data into a patterned form of empirical evidence able to be interpreted by those who will indeed take the time to allow the words to clarify themselves for our dull and clumsy conscious minds, settle into degrees of truth and eventually, the penny finally drops. And usually it’s me who is the last one to know that a degree of enlightenment has come. More often than not someone else will comment on the progress they see in me and I am flummoxed. Maybe that’s what they mean by being “surprised by grace?”
” …. in compassion extended I will find my own peace” … it rolls so elegantly off the tongue, but now it must settle at the bottom of the waterfall in some hidden brook and bubble up into truth revealed.